A Happy Holiday Bonanza of Humor!

Gags, a short story, and a special gift for paid subscribers.

Ho. Ho. Ho!

I just wanted to wish each and every one of you a happy and festive holiday.

Here’s a few holiday ho-ho’s to giggle over.

The above led me to this…

But let’s not forget it’s the season for charity…

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see what’s under the tree this Christmas! I bet it’s something fun!

In case you were wondering what a certain elf does in the off season...

aaaagh.

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And now a little something in honor of my Jewish wife…

The Miracle of The Oil

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the origins of Hanukkah, here’s a skewed synopsis.

After the forces of Antiochus IV had been driven from the Temple, the Maccabees discovered that almost all of the ritual oil had been profaned.

Luckily, Saul, who is one of the temple’s junior priests, makes a discovery and told it to his friend Morty, the sandal maker.

Saul: “Hey Morty. I got good news and bad news.”

Morty: “What’s that?”

Saul: “The good news is that I found a container of oil sealed by a High Priest. The bad news is that there’s only enough oil to keep the menorah lit for a single day.”

Morty: “Well…light it up. It’s better than nothing.”

The next day Morty walks into the Temple, and upon seeing Morty, Saul quickly walks up to him.

“Morty! I can’t believe it. The menorah is still lit! That’s some amazing oil!”

Morty smiles and praises Yahweh. He then leaves the temple to go about his business of sandal making. When he returns to the temple the following day, Saul runs up to him in an even more excited state.

“Morty! The menorah is still burning! That oil is truly a gift from Yahweh! Where’d the High Priest buy this stuff?”

Saul then runs out of the Temple. Morty stands amazed. He walks over to the menorah and scrutinizes it. He doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary with the menorah. He smiles, shrugs his shoulders, and says, “Hmm. Go figure.” Then he walks out of the temple.

Two days later, Morty decides to stop by the Temple after he overheard a hummus merchant describing how Saul ran around town like a screaming lunatic. Upon entering the Temple, Saul charges up, grabs Morty by the shoulders and shouts, “MORTY! THAT OIL IS STILL BURNING! IT’S A MIRACLE! A MIRACLE, I TELL YA!”

Saul then runs out into the town square to brag further on how god has blessed the Temple. Morty is completely dumbfounded and starts to believe that perhaps this was a sign from on high. He recites some of the Kaddish and then leaves the temple with a stronger belief in Yahweh’s power.

A couple of more days pass, and by now the whole town knows about the magic oil. Saul has been bragging about its power to everyone, and quite frankly, his hubris over it has been verging on annoyance.

While visiting the Temple, although Morty tried to avoid Saul, he was regrettably cornered by the annoying, manic junior priest.

“Hey Morty! You see that oil is still burning? It’s truly fabulous! The High Priest says that, thanks to my discovery, I might have a shot at getting promoted to SENIOR EXECUTIVE JUNIOR PRIEST! Whadda you think of them apples? Not bad for a poor mensch from Jericho, eh?”

Morty nodded and smiled as he edged his way towards the Temple door. As he left, he realized Saul was becoming a real kolboynick schmoe. He decided that on his next day’s visit to the temple, it would be at night when Saul was off work.

The next night came and Morty slipped into the Temple. Given the allure of the magical menorah’s flame, Morty was astounded to find the place mostly vacant. Although he did spy one person who was hovering over the menorah. It was Levi, the local latke merchant. Morty walked up to him.

“Levi! I see you’re admiring the menorah.”

Levi was surprised by Morty and dropped to the ground a small jug which landed with a clatter. Morty, upon seeing the jug, immediately became suspicious.

“Um…whatcha you doing, Levi?”

Levi’s face dropped in shame as he looked at the jug spinning on the floor. He then muttered, “For years now, to get around the olive oil taxes, I’ve been dumping my used latke oil into the menorah at night. It burned off, so nobody was the wiser. When all that trouble with Antiochus started, and he ruined the holy oil, I thought my sham was finally over.

But then Saul found some oil, and I took advantage of the opportunity one last time. However, with Saul’s damn bragging about magic oil, I couldn’t just let the menorah burn out. I had to continue the ruse!”

Morty smiled with satisfaction at knowing how much of a shmendrik Saul had been, and then he assured Levi, “Don’t worry, my friend. Your secret is safe with me. I’m sure people will all eventually forget meshuggeneh Saul’s ravings about that magic oil.”

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Stickers!

Also for my fav peeps on the paid list, you have yet another premium heading your way. It’s Monster Zeke Stickers to help you complete your collection of Monster Zeke swag. Slap ‘em on your thermos, laptop, or elsewhere, or give them to the kids! Funsville! More info here.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or Winter Solstice and here’s to hoping…really hoping…we have a great new year.

Cheers,

Ed